Yale University Bans English Language

Friday, 19 June 2020

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Citing a legacy of colonial oppression, Yale University announced on Friday, that use of the English language will no longer be permitted on campus, effective July 1st.

Other languages will also be affected. Spanish and French are right out. Due to complaints from Chinese students, Japanese is also on the list.

The history of other European languages are being studied by a joint committee composed of members of the faculty and the student Senate. German and Russian are likely to join the banned list.

Scandinavian languages may survive the purge. Italian and Gaelic are unlikely to be affected, as the faculty reportedly fear offending ethnicities who don't give a shit.

Hebrew was already prohibited. The genocidal occupation limited the growth of the Palestinian population, which has only quadrupled since Israel was founded.

Esperanto is also likely to be banned due to its association with white privilege.

The Computer Science department has also banned Javascript due to its inappropriate reference to Pacific Islanders.

Certain languages have been cleared. Starting in July all university communications will be in Navajo and Swahili.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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