Today marks the passing of one of Britain’s most loved wartime singers, Dame Vera Lynn, at the age of 103, which is mightily fucking impressive. Dame Lynn’s music became synonymous with the struggles of a nation sheltering in bunkers from bombers every night while its armed forces tried to roll back a fascist tide. It was possibly the last time we were on the right side during a war.
However, leading patriotic Brexiteers have been quick to point out that Dame Lynn's death seems a little bit too convenient, happily throwing the blame at remoaners, the EU and their new enemy Black Lives Matter Protesters.
Gerald “Big G” Bimby, of Garforth, has been guarding a statue of the fictional TV character “Danger Mouse” for a week now, with his group the White Alliance who Never Kneel and Enjoy Repairing Statues. He said:
"Losing Vera Lynn is as tragic as any amount of police brutality meted out to black people. If all lives really matter, then so did Vera's, and it just seems suspicious that she’s died so suddenly. Only last week, she was a sprightly 103, ready to take on Jerry all over again, and now she’s dead. How? Muslim grooming gangs? I suppose the loony left will keep that under wraps."
We watched as one of the White Alliance who Never Kneel and Enjoy Repairing Statues lads chased away a frog who had gotten dangerously close to the statue. A tragedy averted.
Tom “Big Tom” Solhill, deputy of the White Alliance who Never Kneel and Enjoy Repairing Statues, was quick to point out that: "Dame Lynn was a national treasure, unlike those traitorous remoaners who want to submit to Sharia law, and for us to lose a national icon like this is ultimately suspicious. I’ve been saying it for years, lads like us need to be allowed to snuff out dangerous Pro Islamic EU terrorist groups before tragedies like this can unfold."
By "snuff out" we’re sure he means “racially abuse a takeaway worker after 12 pints”.
By this point, the White Alliance who Never Kneel and Enjoy Repairing Statues boys had really got into the spirit of protecting the Danger Mouse statue, and began throwing empty bottles in pre-emptive strikes at any foreign-made cars.
We were about to leave, because you can only take so much nonsense in one day, when Mick “Big Mick” Johnson ignored our pleas for social distancing and began breathing into our mouths, saying:
"It’s a fact that Dame Lynn had been forced to have vaccines when she was a child, and now she’s dead. Coincidence? I think not."
That last part is obvious.