British Cabinet publicly applauds itself. "NHS are good, but we are something else!" claims Johnson

Funny story written by T. Loaf

Monday, 4 May 2020

image for British Cabinet publicly applauds itself. "NHS are good, but we are something else!" claims Johnson
Wilfred, born of the Virgin Carrie, scion of Boris the Smug, gets his first taste of mendacity

The Prime Minister and fellow Cabinet ministers staged a first, yesterday. Standing outside their respective London residencies, disgruntled about the lack of acclaim for their unique mismanagement of Covid 19, they vigorously applauded themselves. Alongside Boris the Smug at No. Ten was his girlfriend, Carrie, holding their offshoot, Wilfred, in swaddling clothes. "My son", he lied, "I say unto thee, I shall conquer Covid and all viruses ever foolish enough to enter our land. And one day, dear Wilfred, you will bear this very same sceptre." The baby looked on unimpressed, so...there could be hope...

Priti Patel, Home Secretary, gleamed in vainglory as she thrashed a maid for spilling the tea. "Bullying is back!" she declared. "I know my roots and I'm more than familiar with the cane, the birch, mobbing and Guineamen slave ships. You can't fool me. And watch out where you're putting that fucking tray! I'll have yer head off in a minute!"

Rishi Sunak, Chancellor of the Exchequer, looked surprised and bewildered as ever, still unsure what his actual job was, but with this he could just join in and no-one would notice. Self-adulation bound the cabinet together, somehow. It was all very uplifting. Michael Gove, Minister of the Cabinet Office, was moved to tears, while others, such as Raab and Hancock, swelled with pride at their brilliance.

"I can hardy believe we're so good," whimpered Gove. "I mean, the NHS are alright, but we're unbelievable!" With that, he unleashed a rattle and emitted piercing machine-gun like commotion into the crisp London night air.

Meanwhile, Larry the Cat sat at the corner of Downing Street, peering into the distance, dreaming of happier days in Battersea...

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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