Clap Or Die

Funny story written by Backandtotheleft

Sunday, 3 May 2020

image for Clap Or Die
Those non-clappers will be tossed upon the fires of the clapping

As the “Clap For Carers” movement gathers pace around the country, many hardcore Brexiteers are worried that it doesn’t go far enough, and are calling on the government to step in and enforce it on those who aren't joining in.

Every Thursday evening, Brits are encouraged to go outside and make as much noise as possible to show front line staff they are appreciated. This, of course, has caused dozens of shift-working NHS staff members to be woken up from their stolen sleep, but woken up by patriotism.

But some people are just “not getting it”. Gertrude Rutred, of Walmingstone-Over-Fan, said:

"I come out to clap for our carers, bang a pan lid for Boris, and let off fireworks for the Tories defeating the red menace of Corbyn. Although I see a large number of other people, I do notice some households have been reluctant to shower our heroes with praise. Now, I’m not someone who overreacts, but those people not making a noise should be shot or, at the very least, tried for treason."

The applause was originally started as a nice gesture to show our front line workers that people were thinking of them, but has now become a way for Tory voters to absolve themselves of their political choices.

Gertrude said:

"I’ve noticed that numbers 12 and 17 haven’t come out once for the clapping. I even went and stood on their doorsteps, blowing my air horn, and did they come out? No. They watched me from behind the curtain before holding a sign up saying “please respect social distancing”. I don’t want to throw any more fuel on this already raging fire of betrayal, but I think they're remoaners as well. Which, in itself, should be an offence punishable by having your first-born taken from you and placed in the armed forces."

Gertrude informed us that she and several other concerned members of the community had contacted the police over the non-clapping houses, but were yet to hear a response.

Clapping, of course, originates from the ancient activity of “clamming” which was used extensively to celebrate the burning of heretics and witches throughout Britain in the 1910s. Its forthright comeback proves that there is a definite pining for all things old-timey, and probably shows calls for a return to National Service, conscription, and the death penalty are as strong as ever.

Many of Britain’s leading politicians have paid tribute to the carers and front line workers by joining in with the applause. Many of the workers would prefer it if they joined in with them by paying their fucking taxes so the NHS could buy itself some fucking PPE.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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