Underground clubs open for people to get close

Sunday, 3 May 2020

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Farting is a problem again, when social distancing ends

In a dark cobbled alley in Manchester, a steady trickle of people enter a hidden basement doorway. This is one of the city's new underground "approchement" clubs which have sprung up in the last few weeks.

Inside, patrons are permitted to sit close together - but not touch - while they enjoy the coffee and funky music. The idea started in Paris but has rapidly spread to the UK and other countries.

Owner Geoff Gunt said he was only giving people what they want. "Outside, you can't get six foot from other people without being violently apologised at. It's hard for folk in this city. They like to shoulder barge strangers when they walk down the street, but they're not allowed to any more. So, instead, they can come here and get as close as they like - as long as they don't touch."

The clubs are popular among extrovert hipsters who miss social contact and being near others. Some even believe that the coronavirus is a conspiracy created by introverts to keep everybody apart. Yet the clubgoers remain careful about their hygiene.

"We don't want to spread the virus," said regular, Bodmin Moore. "That's why there's a strict no touching rule. You get thrown out if you do. There are no 5G phones allowed either."

Since Gunt was interviewed, his club had to be closed after all his customers fell ill with coronavirus. He said, "That's just my luck!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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