I've always loved camping. I have camped hundreds of times in hundreds of different places. The mountains, the desert, ocean beaches, the woods behind my ex-girlfriend's house - I have camped everywhere. And, in the course of my adventures, I have learned one important fact: Nature is a bitch, and she will gladly kill you for no damn reason whatsoever.
Therefore, I have compiled a list of tips for the beginning camper. They are drawn from personal experience. I have divided them into categories for quicker reference in the field.
The Mountains
1) Poison ivy leaves make for bad toilet paper. DON'T TOUCH THEM!
2) My wife lied to me - blow jobs DO NOT attract bears.
3) The best way to deal with a bear attack is to play dead. This will help your mind accept the fact that you are already halfway there anyway.
4) Burning wet leaves makes smoke and can attract Indians.
5) If you find yourself lost in the woods, firing a shot in the air every ten minutes will help people locate you. (Note: This does NOT work with arrows, believe me.)
6) Always use a compass when hiking, or you will walk in a circle and end up back at camp with your wife and kids.
The Desert
1) If you are ever stranded in the desert without food or water, remember this: You are probably going to die.
2) No matter how much salt you use, sand is not food.
3) Speaking of sand in a desolate area: Feel free to shit anywhere.
4) Deserts can go from extreme heat to extreme cold in a matter of hours. The best method for dealing with this is to stay home and binge-watch "Breaking Bad".
5) Don't be fooled by mirages. Sometimes they end up being actual hotels, and they DO NOT appreciate it when sweaty, naked men walk into their lobby looking for a water fountain.
The Beach (including camping in boats)
1) The ocean is like the love of a woman - contaminated, dangerous, and a lot of men have died in it.
2) Seagulls are assholes.
3) Five-year-olds suck at making sandcastles Not a survival tip. Simply an observation.
4) Jellyfish are not made out of jelly, and taste like shit.
Camping In Winter
1) Dear God, why?
So, pack up your gear and head out, my friends! And if you keep these survival tips in mind, you will find your camping experience to be enriching and unforgettable. Especially if your Uncle Carl gets drunk, wanders off in the middle of the night, and you don't see him again until they discover his mangled, rotting corpse a week later at the bottom of a cliff. That's pretty hard to forget.
Roscoe
