7 tips on how to be a better employee

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Monday, 23 September 2019

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Offices are better places when free of faeces and semen

Do you have a job? Would you like one? Here are some handy tips on making sure you don't lose your next job too quickly.

Know the toilets
On your induction on your first day, you should be shown where the toilets are, as well as how to use the flush, and wipe clean your rectum with toilet paper. Make sure you learn these instructions carefully as you will need to follow them every day. Whenever you need to make lemonade or chocolate dumplings, use the toilet. Don't defecate at your desk, unless your boss has given you permission to do so because of a medical condition.

Make sure you don't smell
This means taking a shower before you go to work, wearing fresh clothes, and making sure you stay clean. Check your shoes for bad odours and wear deodorant. A smelly employee can be an efficient employee, but those around him will feel like vomiting after having to work next to you for hours on end.
Also, if you have permission to defecate at your desk, then this doesn't apply.

Treat your colleagues with respect
If you have a colleague called Larry Jones, you don't call him Larry, the Larster or Jonesy. You should address him as Mr Jones, or Dr Jones if he is a qualified doctor, or Sir Jones if he has been knighted.
Similarly, if you work with a woman called Clara Jones, you should first find out if she is married or not by checking her ring finger. If she is an amputee, you should ask her about her marital status immediately so you can get it right. If she is married, you should call her Mrs Jones. If she is unmarried but looks old, then you should call her Ms Jones, or if she looks young then call her Miss Jones. Or if she is married to a Lord it should be Lady Jones, or if she has been knighted then she should be addressed as Dame Jones.

Don't turn up drunk
In most jobs, it is frowned upon to be under the influence of alcohol, so you should at least appear to be sober when you arrive at your place of work. This doesn't apply to writers, comedians, beer-tasters, wine-tasters, tramps, musicians, judges, teachers, farmers, or anyone in Scotland.

Dress appropriately
In most jobs, it will be required to wear a uniform or suit, or to at least appear reasonably smart. Don't turn up in pyjamas, unless you are a professional bed-tester. Don't turn up in swimwear, unless you are a professional swimmer - but even then, it is advised to arrive at the pool wearing normal smart clothes and change into swimwear in the changing rooms. Blackface is strongly discouraged in all professions, except of course in minstrel shows.

Do not masturbate at work during office hours
It can be tempting, when your colleagues are all out at lunch without inviting you, to have a quick hand-shuffle under the desk. This is not recommended. Firstly, your colleagues or boss could catch you, which would be potentially embarrassing if you are ashamed of your genitals. Also, it could make a mess on the desk, and even cause equipment to stop working. And it is a sackable offence if your boss catches you and doesn't like what he or she sees.

Do whatever you are told without complaint
Many workers are asked to do degrading things such as clean toilets, stick their hands up a sheep, or even eat ass. But if your boss tells you to do it, then you should do it. If you want to complain, wait until you get home. Do not complain on the job, and you will soon be seen as a model employee.

With these tips, you'll soon be taking home a paycheque that you can spend on anything you want. Go on, buy that pair of shoelaces you've always wanted. You've earned it!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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