ARIES: Your ruler Mars is behind those rash decisions about last year’s part-finished contraceptive gel, a good time to flush out bad vibes with a visit to the nearest douche bar for a well earned intimate steam clean.
TAURUS: Climate change continues to fire up your partner’s sudden spending binges with Venus in your second house of depleted credit looking tricky, considering how many of you live next door to suspected arsonists.
GEMINI: Definitely a good time to avoid Romanian crack dealers operating near the local pound shop, retrograde Uranus conjunct an LGBT asteroid is playing havoc with common sense, not to mention any uncashed welfare cheques.
CANCER: The new Moon on Friday sees the start of a two-week drink-drive ban, use this period to donate any spare unused tampons to your favourite Dogs Trust Charity Shop or suchlike.
LEO: The Sun transits that part of your natal chart associated with fungal toenail this week so watch your step. Other than that it’s a generally good time to gorge your way through dial-up pizzas and big-breasted au pairs. The number 69 is lucky after Friday night.
VIRGO: The sign of the Virgin can be a bit of a misnomer unless you are a transatlantic airline operator currently on a wing and a prayer with finance restructuring. Half-price ticket scams may dominate your fiscal thinking, so just think smart when accepting any post-Brexit EU bookings.
LIBRA: Mercury and Jupiter make it a good time to take a foreign holiday unless your Rising Sign is Virgo - in which case avoid the Departure Lounge at Luton Airport, where suspected terrorists operate the cup cake stall.
SCORPIO: Moody and passionate Scorpios may get an unexpected surprise during Saturday’s solar eclipse when a High Street-bought vape turns out to be liquid skunk. Not bad considering it only cost a couple of quid.
SAGITTARIUS: Any left-over big-breasted au pairs from Leos’ (above) weekend shagging binge may be interested in a potential threesome - provided no dodgy contraceptive gel is involved (see Aries) or tampon-donating visits (Cancer, above) to a charity shop.
CAPRICORN: Domestic chores are inevitable until Neptune trines Pluto on Sunday night, so a good time for matrimonial blow jobs for all those married under the Stoat. Uh, Goat.
AQUARIUS: Your natural skepticism with astrology has nevertheless seen you read this column almost to the end just in case some mention of favourite perversions links you to Karen and Phil at No 30. Also Meghan, Harry and their non-binary Labrador which likes to crap all over the sheets.
PISCES: Fishy folk born in early March will have a brilliant week. Move house, buy a car or invest in whole new wardrobe. Someone else will be definitely footing the bill.