Nigel Farage projectile vomits onto crowd

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Monday, 12 August 2019

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MEP rabble-rouser Nigel Farage gave a speech in Dagenham this week, but instead of talking to his adoring fans, he spewed streams of chunky vomit onto them.

The assembled crowd lapped it up. Some wore waterproof clothing, but others stood with their mouths open, hoping to catch some of the right-wing leader's puke.

Geoff Gutter, 47, was at the event and enjoyed it. He explained, "He's not like them liberal elite politicians with their words and sentences. Nigel gives it to us how it is. And if we get a bit mucky along the way, then so be it." Mr Gutter plans to go home and vomit onto his family and friends, as a way of spreading Farage's message.

Farage drinks a large quantity of chicken soup before his performances in order to be able to produce such heavy expulsions. He is rumoured to have learned the technique from his friend Donald Trump, who vomits onto himself and others so much that his face is permanently stained orange, and his wig is clogged into a slick of matted bristles.

There have been complaints that public vomiting is a health hazard and should not be allowed. However, a spokesman for Farage said, "It's what he does. If the government don't like it, they can lump it. They can't gag him."

The janitor at Dagenham town hall was unimpressed. "Someone is going to have to clean up this mess, one way or another."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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