Underpants Were Too Small

Written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 20 July 2019

image for Underpants Were Too Small
Size S: Waist 76/81cm 30/32in

When it comes to buying new underwear, getting the size right is an all-important factor, and that was the crux of the matter when one consumer couldn't quite make his mind up about some new underpants he spotted in a city center store, and ended up making a bloomer!

Martin Shuttlecock, of Whitechapel, was shopping with his wife, when he caught sight of some rather jazzy-looking underpants in a Primark store window. He entered the shop and made for the Men's Underwear department on the second floor. Once there, he located the underpants from the window display, but then noticed a size chart on the back of the pack.

From the chart, he, being a 32" waist, would have needed an "S", indicating "Small", but this rang an alarm bell in his head. He'd bought some similar underpants from Tesco last year, and knew, for a fact, that they had been "M", or "Medium".

A dilemma formed around him. Indecision set in. He considered how those Tesco skiddies felt when worn, and how much smaller, if at all, these new ones looked. He took them out of the pack for a thorough analysis, and several shoppers moved away from him.

Eventually, after much deliberation, pawing, poking and stretching, he decided to buy a 5-pack in the small size.

Later, after trying the new underpants on at home, he told me:

"They're too small. In fact, the fuckers are nearly cutting me in half. Me bollox are screaming! I should have listened to me inner instinct and bought the Mediums. I'm a silly bastard!"

There was a bright side, however. He laughed:

"I'll take 'em back. The'll never know the've been out of the pack, let alone that I've had ém stretched over me sweaty knackers and around me hairy arse crack!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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