Wimbledon. Former Man United dictator Alex Ferguson was sensationally escorted out of the Wimbledon Men's Final today after trying to start a fist fight with a 90-year-old woman from Liverpool. It is believed that Ferguson became irate when his enjoyment of the event was disturbed by noise from a bag of sweets that was opened by Irene Fowler from Toxteth. Ferguson became further incensed when a frightened and confused Fowler asked her daughter Lily “who is that awful man with the chewing gum?”
Ferguson was escorted from the match, but not before he subjected the pair to a stream of invective, claiming that “Liverpool always get their way” and “you’ll pay for this”. He then accused Wimbledon officials of “bias...it’s an absolute disgrace," continuing, “the level of triumphalism from those two makes me sick to my stomach. These bloody Liverpool people are everywhere now. It’s a conspiracy against me personally.” He went on to threaten Fowler, saying he would knock her “off her perch”, before accusing her of being secretly related to Kevin Keegan. Ferguson also alleged that Fowler and her daughter had been smiling throughout the first set because they were “gloating” about Liverpool FC’s European Cup win, “ they weren’t laughing at the tennis, they were laughing at Man United, there’s no doubt about that," he fumed, obtusely.
Irene Fowler told reporters afterwards that she has never watched a game of football in her life. “I actually feel sorry for the gentleman now, watching him being dragged off, frothing at the mouth, kicking and screaming.” Ferguson has received a police caution. Ole Gunnar Solskjaer has cancelled the rest of Man United’s tour of Australia and flown the team back home in a show of solidarity with Ferguson.
