US Tennis Prodigy Retires Early

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 20 June 2018

image for US Tennis Prodigy Retires Early
Jasper in his bedroom recently

Child prodigy US tennis player, Jasper Quarante from Ohio, who was recently described as having "the world at his feet", has decided that the game is not for him, and has given up tennis to focus on his studies.

Jasper, who is still only 14, has been playing tennis since he could first hold a racket at age 2, but feels his time would be better spent on his school work if he wants to get good grades and go to college.

His parents, however, aren't happy.

Bill and Janice, both 40, say Jasper was born to play tennis, that's why they gave him such a daft name, so he would stand out from the crowd. Bill:

"He was born for it! When we saw the ultrasound scan of Janice's womb, it looked as if he was preparing to serve - from that moment on, he was, in our eyes, a tennis player."

The couple began buying tennis equipment - rackets, balls, training shoes, sweatbands, clothing - and storing it in the tot's room, which they had painted dark green, and fitted with a grass-green carpet.

"We wanted him to get used to the environment," said Bill, "so that he would feel 'at home' when he stepped out on the Centre Court at Wimbledon."

They stockpiled videos of 1970s legends John McEnroe, Jimmy Connors, Bjorn Borg, and Ilie Nastase, and bought dozens of tennis instruction manuals. They took him along to his local tennis club when he was three years old, and, by the time he was four, he was showing promise.

He won his first match when he was nine, and made rapid strides. Last year, he was amongst the top 100 players in his zipcode, and stardom beckoned for Jasper, but then...

"He was miserable," says Janice, "all his friends were doing homework, playing football, chasing after girls, stealing cars or sniffing glue, and I guess he just felt like he was losing out."

Nothing had prepared them for this latest shock, however.

"He just came home on Thursday and said he was through with tennis," moaned Bill, "and that he was going to give more time to his schoolwork. I asked him about the riches he was almost certainly throwing away by not becoming an international multi-Grand Slam winner and Davis Cup player, but he just smiled back at me, and said that there was more to life than money, success and fame. Schmuck!"

Janice, too, was disappointed.

"Kids, these days!" she said. "I don't know where they get their ideas from!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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