Written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 30 June 2018

image for Wimbledon 2018: Wondergirls Guide
Most of them are blonde, aren't they?

The Wimbledon Tennis Championships start on 2 July at SW19, and there are some tasty-looking female competitors taking part once again, for all those viewers who aren't that keen on watching tennis, but don't mind a bit of 'leerage'. So, for your delight and delectation, here is the Spoof guide to the Wimbledon 2018 Wondergirls, and a few 'ropey' munters as well.

To begin with, let's look at Simona Halep. She's Romanian, and quite tasty. In 2009, she underwent breast reduction surgery on her enormous jugs, to make them less 'wobbly'. She should have been arrested for this.

The number 2 seed is Caroline Wozniacki. She's blonde, and from Denmark. I cannot speak too highly of Caroline, so I won't; I'll speak lowly, even for me - I would!

Number 3 seed, Venezualan Garbiñe Muguruza, is the defending champion. She's a bit 'horsey', if I'm honest, and not really my type. As the saying goes: "horses for courses". I'll pass.

Caroline Garcia is the French number 6 seed. She is very athletic, and probably has an extremely tough, sweaty workout that I wouldn't mind trying in her company. Dark hair, beautiful tanned skin tone, and sultry-looking. I hope she does well, and that she 'thanks' me for my 'support'.

Angelique Kerber is the eleventh seed. German, she's blonde, and has a left-hand grip, if you could just visualize that in your mind for a minute! She has extremely powerful-looking thighs. Well, she did in the photo I ogled.

Elise Mertens is another blondie. She's from Belgium and seeded 15. It's possible that she eats chocolates, whilst laid back in a bath full of bubbles.

Naomi Osaka, the number 18 seed, is Japanese. She's stunning, and, at only 20, it makes you wonder what her mother is thinking of, letting her daughter go globetrotting like this! She's bound to find trouble - the little minx!

Maria Sharapova is seeded 24, but would always be in my Top 3. Still grunts.

Back at 4, we have Sloane Stephens, an American, who looks like she might be fun on a night out. Looks can be deceiving, of course.

There are others who you 'might like to kiss', but let's now turn to the other end of the spectrum.

It's an accepted fact that not everyone has the same opinion where beauty is concerned. For those who like a spot of 'muntering', here are the nominations:

Seeded 5, Elina Svitolina has a rhythmical name, but she looks a bit heavy.

Ashleigh Barty, an Australian, is in at 17. As well as a tennisess, she is also a cricketress. I don't know her position at cricket, but she looks as if she'd make a damned fine wicketkeeper.

At 7 and 8, are two players with names that might confuse, particularly if you've been drinking. Karolína Plíšková and Petra Kvitova. Yes, 'KP' and 'PK'. Could almost be anagrams. Neither will win a beauty contest.

The tenth seed, US player, Madison Keys, has a real mouthful of teeth. Indeed, her surname is said by some to have derived from the fact that her family going back to the Mayflower have had large teeth, which could easily be mistaken for piano keys.

And finally, try to avoid looking directly at Barbora Strýcová, a Czech national seeded 24, who could conceivably kill you with her stare.

The Lily Adams of this year's championship.

Enjoy!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Tennis, Wimbledon




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