Gay Gnomes

Written by Backandtotheleft

Saturday, 13 July 2019

image for Gay Gnomes
It was unsure what the man did with any birds he actually caught

A man was removed from an ASDA in Plymouth after becoming enraged at a number of “Gay Pride Gnomes” that the megastore was selling.

The man who is known locally for his love of bellowing at pigeons and claiming tall trees are part of the “queer agenda”, was removed after what staff described as “insulting behaviour”, and onlookers as “being a bit of a tit”.

Store manager Adam Weesley said:

"About half four, a shopper suddenly dropped his basket of goods, and started ranting madly at four small gnomes we had for sale in the discount aisle. The gnomes had been specially decorated for the Pride celebrations that my store is supporting."

The man is seen on CCTV throwing a number of uncoordinated kicks and punches in the direction of the gnomes, who seem unbothered over the furore they have unwittingly caused.

Adam continued:

"A number of staff members approached him, and asked him to leave, which seemed to anger him even more. He started screaming about “straight pride gnomes”, and one of our colleagues suggested the simple blue- and red-painted gnomes that were in another aisle.

The man did not like this.

Again, CCTV shows the man becoming more aggressive towards the gnomes, gesticulating wildly like a possessed gazelle. He knocks over a passing trolley and squats upon it, apparently (according to witnesses) making whooping noises.

Adam concluded his story with:

"We realised that this was just going to escalate until someone got hurt or, even worse, a gnome got broken. So we called the police, who escorted him from the premises and back to his mum’s house where, we hope, she gave him a clip round the ear."

Passing pensioner Edna Wallis, who’d seen as much of the incident as her failing eyesight would allow, said:

"Somebody had better get Farage down here. He’d know what to do."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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