The UK is rocking as yet another national crisis strangles its people in its vice-like grip. A study has found that 1 in 5 food products contained ingredients that were not named on the packaging.
Predictably, Brexiteers have quickly moved to pin the blame on the EU, likening the whole event to Dunkirk, while a hardline group of Tommy Robinson supporters have released a newsletter claiming the missing ingredients are the work of Muslim paedophile gangs working out of Ottersburn.
The more sensible among the Brits (they're getting harder to find these days) have pointed the finger at the food companies. Sue Suzanne, from the Research Centre For Finding The Centre, has said:
"It’s been going on for years. Food companies need to be held to account, and all ingredients in food products need to be accounted for. We, the people, need to know what goes into our grub, because, eventually, it’s coming out the other side, and we don’t want any nasty surprises."
We nodded and looked down at the cheap sandwich we’d bought, wondering what horrors lurked within its bready folds.
We asked her if she knew of any products that currently were hiding secret ingredients (and not cool secret ingredients like a magic super-strength potion) and she looked us dead in the eye and said:
"Trifle, Angel Delight and blancmange all contain ground crocodile bones. The companies who make them say it imbibes the tasty dessert with a new invigorating flavour that courses through anybody who eats them."
Nigel Farage appeared from an open window to throw his hat into the ring:
"Yesterday, a young mother approached me, and, with her eyes stinging from tears, she thanked me for bringing the decadent fat cats of Europe to book with Brexit. I’m not a hero. I’m the living embodiment of legend."
He disappeared back inside, and we bade our farewells to Sue, and as she made her way down the side street and back into civilisation, we pondered this latest fragment of a country falling apart at the seams.