There was a right, royal rumpus in the Royal roost this morning when Archie Windsor, newly-christened son of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, started playing up fuck at breakfast, causing his mum and dad to get into a right strop with him.
Archie, 2 months, may only be small, but the little tinker has got a right gob on him. He never shuts up, and already has a colourful vocabulary, if you know what we mean, and we know that you do!
Screaming, shouting, crying, bawling - Archie's got the lot, and he's happy to share it with anyone who'll listen.
This morning, after a Farley's rusk mashed up with his nanny's milk, Archie asked to be served Kellogg's Fruit Loops in future, a request which was refused, politely, but in no uncertain terms.
All hell broke loose. A plastic spoon was thrown, which landed in the Duke's Coco Pops, and insults were exchanged. Archie was indignant - he wanted Fruit Loops. To emphasise the need for speed, he brought his rusk back up in a feat of projectile vomiting not seen since the Mr. Creosote sketch. Mrs Windsor's Stella McCartney-designed frock received a speck of sick, and became worth millions of dollars.
The Duke and Duchess rose, dabbing the corners of their mouths with their napkins. Prince Harry spoke to the lout:
"Sir, we have had just about as much as we can take from your royal self. You may be seventh-in-line to the throne, but your behaviour this morning reminds one of time one spent in Afghanistan."
"Get t' fuck, y'toffee-nosed dickhead! Fruit Loops!"
Prince Harry, the Duke of Sussex, and sixth-in-line to the English throne, composed himself, and said:
"Nanny, please be good enough to smack Archie's bottom should he repeat this performance."
The nanny tried to stifle a guffaw at the mention of the baby's unlikely name.