Balham resident Mr Tristram Lard, who wished to remain anonymous, told The Spoof how he had been suffering anxiety attacks ever since a chance encounter with a mystery blonde while shopping.
"I was quite innocently going about my business seeking out bargain beers in my local Lidl, when my attention was drawn to some writing on the back of a rather attractive young lady's neck, just below the hairline. She was rifling through the salami section of the refrigerated goods.
"I know what you're thinking, but I am not in the habit of following young ladies around...no, really, I am not, but on this occasion, I just had to make an exception, as my curiosity had been piqued.
"Imagine my surprise when I managed to get close enough to make out the words on her tattoo - Daddy's Little Girl. I must admit I felt some consternation, so much so, that I mentioned it to a work colleague the next day, and his response didn't make me feel any the less queasy:
"I bet it wasn't her daddy who put it there.
"Do you know something? I think he might have been right, and I've been having sleepless nights ever since."