Written by Gee Pee

Thursday, 28 August 2014

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Some folks think nipples are intrinsically sexy. Others think they're just plain gross. Whether one finds nipples appealing or appalling, she (or, for that matter, he) can now do something about it, thanks to Nipped in the Bud.

"We customize your nipples," the "cosmetic body shop" owner, Nikki, explained to your fearless reporter. "Now, thanks to our staff of artists, which includes body painters, tattooists, and plastic surgeons, people can have their nipples their way."

Although Nikki "guarantees" her clients "total confidentiality," in the interest of promoting her business, she reneged on her promise "just this once," naming names.

Pamela Anderson a 34-Double "D," had her nipples "redone" to resemble Valentine's hearts. "We shaped them," Nikki admitted, "and then we tattooed them baby pink. They look sweet enough to eat."

The Kardashian sisters, Kim, a 36-"D," and Kourtney, a 32-"C," wanted "complementary nips," Nikki gushed, "so we did Kim's left nipple as a heart and her right one as a spade; Kourtney's left is a diamond, and her right is a club. Side by side, they're really a pair of cards, in more ways than one."

Nipped in the Bud also "enhances men's chests" by providing them with "nipple reconstruction," Nikki divulged.

One of her clients, Arnold Schwarzenegger, who asked to remain anonymous, had his nipples "sculpted" into skulls and tattooed white. "He went for the macho look, probably because he's starting to sag a little and wanted to 'man up' his appearance a bit."

Another male customer, Bruce Jenner, a 32-"B," "at the moment," who, according to rumors, is taking female hormones and has had implants installed in both his breasts and his buttocks, "wanted something really femme," Nikki blurted, "so we gave him nipples shaped like Hello Kitty and tattooed them white, with a yellow nose and a pink ribbon. They look so cute!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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