Man arrested for being white has no defense

Funny story written by Ashley Murphy

Sunday, 20 January 2019

A 36-year-old man from West Didsbury, Manchester, was arrested and later charged for the crime of being white.

Timothy Miller was arrested in the Moss Side area, a south Manchester suburb that became notorious in the 1990s for its high level of gang-related gun crime.

Although police are yet to confirm what a white man from West Didsbury was doing in Moss Side, Mr Miller entered the Rice 'N' Tings takeaway at around 9.25pm Tuesday night.

Having never eaten Caribbean cuisine before, Mr Miller asked the takeaway owner, Mr Delroy Campbell, for some recommendations. Mr Campbell, a second-generation immigrant whose parents moved to the UK as part of the Windrush generation, called the Police after Mr Miller made a direct reference to his Afro-Carribean heritage. Mr Miller has been quoted as saying: "I'm terribly sorry, but could you please repeat that. I didn't quite understand what you said."

Officers responded quickly and, given the racial and ethnic undertones of his comments, Mr Miller was taken into custody.

Chief Superintendent Stephanie Nicelady, head of Manchester police, released the following statement:

“Mr Campbell, like all members of Manchester's immigrant community, has the right to conduct his business without his cultural origins or any associated traditions being insulted or questioned. Mr Miller's ignorance of Ackee Saltfish and Patwah, which we suspect to be racially motivated, is no excuse for such hateful behaviour. Luckily, under the terms of recent legislation, we were able to charge Mr Miller with the crime of being white, and a trial date has already been set."

Mr Morris Feltcher, the solicitor representing the Miller family, told reporters that “given the fact that Mr Miller is white, I'd say that he’s screwed!”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!


Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot