Written by Ben Macnair

Saturday, 29 September 2018

image for 7-Year-Old Boy Learns That Conkers Aren't Legal Tender
I am really the only person in the world who believes in me, and I am scared.

Tommy Hodgkins, a 7-year-old from Mithering on the Trent, has learnt the hard way, that conkers are not legal tender in the real world.

'My Mum and Dad wanted a new sofa, so we went into DFS on the high street, because it was their sale. They looked at the sofa that they liked, but it was too expensive, so I spoke to the man in the shop. I said to him in my sternest voice 'Listen here, mate, I have 12 conkers here from the playground, and I would like that red sofa in the corner'.

Tommy continued: 'He just looked at me, ran his fingers through his hair, patted me on the head, and told me that he could not accept them in the shop. We are told in the playground that we can use them to impress the older kids, and maybe blind the odd teachers, but aren't all teachers slightly odd? Anyway, next they will be telling me that we are all doomed. Mummy and Daddy always tell me not to believe the news, but now I don't really know who to believe. Are we even really here?'

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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