Written by Monkey Woods

Friday, 24 August 2018

image for Man Got Dole And Went Straight To Las Vegas
Whoever invented these, knew a thing or two

There was little sympathy for one man this week, when it was revealed he had received his dole cheque on Wednesday, and then headed straight for Las Vegas, where he spent the fucking lot!

David Arsehole, 23, from Manchester, signed on at the Unemployment Benefit Office in the Chorlton area of the city on Monday morning, and from that point on, had only one idea on his mind - gambling on a large scale.

He went home, and back to bed, and stayed there for the rest of Monday. He didn't even get out of bed on Tuesday, save for a couple of visits to the toilet, and woke up on Wednesday in a great state of agitation.

When the postman lifted his letterbox at around 9am, Arsehole greedily grabbed the envelope, and set off for the Post Office. As soon as the cash was in his hands, he made for Piccadilly, and, his favourite place to lose money, the Las Vegas Amusement Palace.

Once there, the unemployed and unemployable Arsehole poured his money into the slot machines as quick as he could. The sounds of all the machines working at once, with their too-loud musical jingles, and recordings of huge amounts of cash dropping into troughs, washed over him and bathed him in 'hope'. But, alas, hope was all it was. He did have some wins, but these made him even more frantic, and he fed the coins back into the machine, whose appetite knew no limits.

Finally, he was down to his bus fare, so he put that in as well. He took one last look around the other machines to see if anyone had left a stray 10p in the win trough, and then left.

"Bollox to it!" he thought to himself. "I'll be back in a fortnight!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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