Written by Monkey Woods

Tuesday, 24 July 2018

image for Grass The Driest It's Been For 42 Years!
Grass (archive)

The heatwave that has been literally 'heating' the United Kingdom at the moment is having a devastating effect on plantlife, and the country's grass is the driest it's been since 1976, or, as it's become known in some circles, the Summer of the Ladybird.

It's not only lawns that are suffering: all kinds of plants, shrubs, flowers, trees, bushes, hedges, mosses, ferns foliage, undergrowth, some kinds of fungi, and even cacti have been wilting in the extreme temperatures, resulting in - I'll say it again - the driest grass since 1976!

Grass has become so dry in some parts of southern England, that finding suitable words to describe its 'dryness' is flummoxing some weather experts, as well as linguists, and the Royal Meteorological Society is to meet on Thursday to decide upon a new word to use.

Grass all over the UK has gone from green to yellow to brown, and it's anybody's guess what colour it might turn next! And grass is not the only thing to have 'dried out'. Sales of hairdryers are down, after it was discovered that just putting your head outside a window was enough to dry it!

A woman in a bistro in Cheam ordered a Dry Martini on Monday evening, and was alarmed to find that it had dried up before it reached her lips! A man in Taunton claimed his Dry Cider evaporated before his eyes, and mothers of babies the length and breadth of the country have dispensed with their tots' nappies, after finding their piss was dry before it came into contact with them.

Just like it was in 1976.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Weather, Heatwave




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