Written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 28 June 2018

image for Man On Bender Was A Total Disgrace
Fiona, from Lawrence's angle

The reputation of a man who went to his local pub 'for a quiet drink' last Saturday night, but then changed his agenda halfway through the evening, is in tatters, after a series of unplanned escapades.

Reputable Lawrence Jackson, 38, ordered a pint at about 8:30pm, fully intending to leave the pub 'after a couple', so that he'd be able to get up early the next morning to take his two young children to play in the park. This was an ill-conceived plan he wasn't going to be able to keep.

Just as Lawrence was finishing his second pint, three of his mates walked in, and a slippery slope of rounds was begun. The group was joined by some ladies they knew, and the alcohol began oiling their lusts. Things quickly started to liven up.

By 10:15, there was no sense left in them, and cavorting took place, first in the bar, and then in the men's toilets when Lawrence went to empty his bladder. Fiona, his next-door-neighbour, went with him to help.

By 10:45, they were singing loud and clear, even though no music was playing. Other customers, having become resentful about an hour earlier, were, by now, casting awkward glances. There was going to be trouble.

Lawrence, returning from the bar, stumbled and fell into a group of old people sitting at a table, which overturned, bathing them in beer. Remonstrations, shouting, screaming, punching and kicking came one after the other, and the police were called. Before they arrived, Lawrence and Fiona went to the toilet again, accompanied this time by Fiona's sister, Evie, a right filthy bitch, who was already eight-and-a-half months pregnant.

When the constables arrived, the trio were still in the bog, but were soon dragged from there, Lawrence emerging to cheers with his jeans still around his ankles, before he was led outside to a waiting police 'taxi', which conveyed him to the local police station, free of charge.

A gossip from down the street offered:

"What a total disgrace! I always said he was rotten to the core! Just wait till I see his missus"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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