Being sober now classed as legitimate fundraising event

Written by Nathan Adler

Saturday, 29 November 2014

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The act of not drinking for 31 days has now been officially recognised as the most gruelling charity sponsorship activity in the world today, it has emerged.

Emma Thorpe, spokesman for the 'Stoptober' movement said "It used to be enough to train rigorously months on end for a marathon, or possibly swimming the channel... but today's donors need a little bit more than that."

She continued "People expect nothing less than for you to face the stark reality of your own existence without the daily imbibing of chemicals that artificially enhance your awful existence. You must face yourself clear headed day after day, and what's more than that, you must face England without that morning Rum and Coke to get you through the daily commute."

Manchester resident and habitual drunk Andrew Toms remarked "For fuck's sake!"

"It was bad enough when these cretins decided they had to stop drinking in January to 'detox', as though the body didn't already have a liver designed for that specific purpose. Now we're expected to financially reward them for not getting blind drunk?"

He continued "Just secure the sponsorship money and get smashed on Voddy when you're alone in the bathroom."

"I do that anyway."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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