Rupert Murdoch promises to get Theresa May elected next time

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Sunday, 11 June 2017

image for Rupert Murdoch promises to get Theresa May elected next time
Rupert Murdoch agreed to be interviewed by TheSpoof in exchange for some slop

After a relentless campaign of negative attacks on Jeremy Corbyn, Rupert Murdoch was said to be furious that the Labour leader did so well in the election. One observer said that on seeing the first exit poll on election night, Murdoch stormed out of the room and cried on a toilet for three hours, wailing that "nobody listens to my evil media bullshit any more."

Now, the arse-faced Aussie millionaire newspaper-owner has vowed to return to his shit-stirring ways even harder than before. He believes that the media attacks on Corbyn were too obvious - calling him a Marxist and a terrorist sympathiser - when they should have gone for the kill and accused him of being a paedo. He has said that when the next election comes up, he will ensure May gets in.

The greasy Antipodean pig has long attempted to influence UK politics, and seemed to have found a good partner in the Tory party. He would support them with his vicious right-wing media empire, and in return they would do whatever he asked once in power. Now it seems that those days are over at last.

Murdoch was interviewed without his knowledge by TheSpoof. He said, "The rabble who read my shit don't know what's good for them, but they're scared enough to vote Tory. That's what our papers do - keep them afraid. They're like a bunch of electoral sheep that can be relied on to vote whenever they are asked. Unfortunately a lot of them are bitter old bastards like me and we're starting to die off."

He began to reminisce about his youth on a pig farm in Australia and became nostalgic. "Younger people just aren't as full of hate as they used to be, so my papers aren't appealing to them." He began to cry again. "It makes me so sad to think of a future without abusive media."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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