Written by Paxton Quigley

Thursday, 3 May 2018

image for Local Elections 2018: A Voter's Guide to the Polling Booth
If you can't beat them...

In response to readers' letters, emails and frequently asked questions to our political correspondent, Paxton Quigley, The Spoof is publishing its own guide to voting rights and wrongs.

Can I vote in my pyjamas? (Sloppy Steve)
Don't be stupid. You have to use the polling booth.

Can I do a selfie in the booth? (J. Arthur Rancour)
I see that you have adopted a pseudonym for your ludicrous question and in response I must tell you that masturbation in a public place is an arrestable offence.

If I see a candidate I don't like, am I allowed to be violent? (E.U. Remainer)
It depends upon who it is. Should it be lying, cheating cake-and-eat-it serial incompetent Bozo Johnson, then by all means you can.

Can I bring a pet? I own a very large trouser snake. (D. Attenborough)
You can certainly bring along a dog, but it must be tied up outside. There is no guidance on other animals such as rabbits, ferrets, pot-bellied pigs or large trouser snakes.

Can I vote if I've been drinking? (David Davis)
With some of the candidates we have today, it is probably advisable.

Can members of the Royal Family vote? (Charles Philip Arthur George Windsor).
It is a convention that members of the so-called Royal Family are not allowed to vote as it is a commonly held belief that they do not have sufficient mental capacity to do so.

I have an ASBO for a minor upskirting offence. Can I still vote? (A. Pervert)
As far as I know, you are still able to vote but you must leave your camera phone with the police officer in attendance. Can I see your photo album?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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