Tabloid anger over "murder" inquiry

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Saturday, 7 April 2018

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A small well-protected home for a first-time buyer

British tabloid newspapers have been fuming this week over the story that police went to the trouble of investigating a burglar killed while breaking into a home. Career criminal Jeff Swag, 47, was stabbed to death by homeowner Geoffroy House as he tried to steal his collection of digestive biscuits. Mr House said that he caught the intruder red-handed, and then decided to make him red-chested as well by stabbing him repeatedly.

The Daily Shitstorm was one paper trying to create fury among its readership. "I can't believe that the police bothered to interrogate Mr House," raged editor Jayff Lee Roth in an eight page article. "People should be free to kill whoever they want in their own homes. I can't believe that our right to murder is being questioned."

Editor of the Daily Hate, Geoffina Sludge, had similar views. "If I invited a hundred Hottentots to dinner, then massacred them all for not passing the gravy, I expect I would be sent to The Hague for genocide. Those pesky Eurocrats shouldn't interfere with our traditional sensible British laws on killing foreigners and scum."

The Biweekly Gazette Of Rage explained in its editorial, "An Englishman's home is his castle. And like most castles, mine has murder holes full of tar and a moat full of crocodiles. Postmen don't even dare deliver to me any more."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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