Bizarre Bjork Songs Secretly Confess To Tour Killing Spree

Funny story written by Paul Blake

Saturday, 24 June 2017

image for Bizarre Bjork Songs Secretly Confess To Tour Killing Spree
Sometimes a ticket to a Bjork concert is a one-way experience, says one of her biggest fans.

Reykjavk, Iceland - Authorities at the very small and very cold police station in the Icelandic Capitol are hesitant to drive their ice-mobiles up to the ice castle on the mountain ledge overlooking town, to arrest the queen of the village, avant-garde pop singer Bjork, on several possible murder charges. But their hand may be forced to do just that very soon.

Bjork fanatics have mostly dropped their ongoing feud with avid fans of Radio Head's Thom York for now, endlessly arguing with their rivals about whose icon can hold a squeal the longest and most heart felt. Now, Bjork fanatics are scouring the internet for the latest on their star's whereabouts, wondering if she will be arrested after a fan uncovered a bizarre twist to several of Bjork's latest songs, which if listened to at the frequency of dolphin ears, you can clearly hear her talk about several killings around the U.S. on her fall tour last year.

The killings shockingly match up indisputably with several grim murders of deeply mascared youths, most with safety pins jabbed through various parts of their bodies, scattered around the country.

The evidence was uncovered by Amanda Softshuff, a german large mammal handler at The Berlin Institute for Smart Things That Swim. "It was the dolphins, really," stated Amanda. "They just went nuts when we played those particular Bjork songs. We've been studying the way they hear, and sure enough if you play the songs at their frequency, Bjork is clearly saying that she strangled a lot of these poor kids; even confessing where she left the bodies in many verses, here's one:

You thought you love'd me, now how do you?
Riding in the luggage compartment of my bus
I'll dump you out before Philadelphia
But I'll put worms in your underpants first.

Sure enough, an eighteen year old was found in Canton, N.J. with worms in her pants, 2 days after the Tour would have passed by that way. Other murders follow the same pattern, as states and countries around the world look for matches to their unsolved misfit murders. This is putting a strain on many police departments, having to listen to that much of Bjork's music in a short period. Many officers assigned to the case are already threatening to quit.

Lawyers say the singer's only hope may be to buy Iceland for cash and have all the police killed slowly, one by one, which may be a solution that she's looking at quite seriously these days.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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