Livid at not being asked to lead the Labour charge against Theresa May and the Old Boys, former Prime Minister Tony Blair has pledged he will fight to the death until Britain accepts he's right.
"As an ancestor of Ethelred the Unready and, of course, Edmund King of Wessex, I am predestined to steer our country back into the Blair track," he explained.
"Hail, I say unto ye people of Britain, Mercians and Northumbrians unite against this wanton plunge into destitution termed Brexit. But what is this? Brexit means Brexit? And what if Brexit does not mean Brexit? As truly as Queen Osburh, mother of King Alfred, was of my blood, I humbly beseech you not to lend credence to May and her cohorts. Awaiting those of Brexit proclivity, I say unto you, are weapons of mass destruction. Yes, WMD we never found in Iraq are to be poured on Britain should we withdraw from the European Union. Trust me. I tell nothing but the truth, always have. Many claim I live in the past. But, perchance the fortunes of time hereafter will prove the dust of bygone lies has become a heap of ashes. Quite why, I do not know. But, for heaven's sake, lets stay in the EU. I mean, I have a villa in Tuscany and I don't want all this administrative hassle holding me and Cherie up every time we fly there. So put your faith in Tony, for faith is greater than truth...I think....well, that's what George W. always told me....."