With the news that it has been 'sexed up' the new BBC 're-telling' of Tolstoy's achingly stunning saga, War and Peace, promises to be a masturbators dream.
Any attempt to do justice to the late great authors work has been jettisoned to appeal to a semi-brain dead audience reared on reality shows and soap operas.
Taking a leaf, or in this case, a branch out of the ongoing success of 'Game of Moans', a rollicking load of old bollocks liberally laced with every sexual perversion this side of the black stump, the BBC are going for gold.
In order to stir up as much controversy as quickly as possible, thus attracting more voyeurs than normal, its tits out, bums up and copious dollops of sweaty incest, some graphic 'rug munching' with rumours of 'fudge packing' in episode three followed by some 'slurping the gherkin' as a grand finale.
For those unacquainted with the complexity of Tolstoy's magnificent 1,200 page + epic the BBC have decided to issue an idiots guide synopsis prior to episode one in order that those viewers playing with their phones between the sex scenes can keep up with the plot.
War & Peace Synopsis
War and Peace opens in the Russian city of St. Petersburg in 1805, as Napoleon's conquest of Western Europe and anything wearing a dress is just beginning to stir fears in Russia. Many of the novel's characters are introduced at a society hostess's orgy, among them Pierre Barkinmadski, the socially awkward but likeable bastard son of a rich c*nt, and Andrew Bolloksoffski , the intelligent, horny and ambitious son of a retired military commander. We also meet the sneaky and shallow Kuragin family, including the wily father and maid shagger, Vasilini, the well hung fortune-hunter son Amatole and the ravishing cock hungry daughter Helene. We are introduced to the Rostov's, a noble Moscow family, including the lively and always-on-heat daughter Natasha, the quiet, sexually repressed cousin Sonya and her collection of vibrators, and the impetuous muff diving son Nicholas, who has just joined the army led by the old General Ballsdeepski, well known for shagging young militiamen.
It is hoped that any potential success of this 're-imagining' of a timeless classic will pave the way for even more fiasco adaptations such as, Tolstoy's 'The Brothers Havitoff', Charles Dickens 'Great Ejaculations', George Eliot 'The Floss on the Muff', Oscar Wilde 'The Importance of Being Horny'.
Meanwhile, leading Supermarkets report stocks of tissues are literally flying off the shelves as the hand-shandy brigade stock up for the six part adaptation!