Medical staff in a Manchester hospital struggled to save the life of a middle-aged man who was rushed to the Accident & Emergency ward after watching one too many Labour leadership debates. The unnamed victim was pronounced dead "from utter boredom".
Relatives said that the man had been watching Labour leadership hopefuls discuss their policies on television. They recalled that Andy Burnham said that he stood for the working classes of Britain, followed by Yvette Cooper, who said that she stood for the working classes of Britain. At this point, the man's eyes clouded and he was heard to utter soft groans, which doctors believe were Early Signs of Torpor. When left of centre candidate Jeremy Corbyn said that he opposed austerity, there was a brief flicker of activity in the man's eyes, until Corbyn added that he stood for the working classes of Britain. Liz Kendall, despite raising her arm a lot was unable to offer any revitalizing words, and when she said that she stood for the working classes of Britain, it apparently sealed the man's fate, as he stopped breathing and lost the will to live.
Doctors have issued a warning to members of the public who have been watching or plan to watch the Labour leadership debates to drink plenty of water and stand up and move around. Changing channels can also help, they said, particularly if the new Compare the Market advert with Arnold Schwartzenegger and the Meerkats happens to be on at the time.
Doctors added that listeners to a London radio show which recently hosted a candidates' debate had been at risk of falling into an irreversible coma until "Nigel from Kent", who turned out to be Nigel Farage of rival political party UKIP, phoned in and asked the candidates some interesting questions. Doctors also praised an aide of former Labour leader and ex-Prime Minister Tony Blair for calling MPs who had nominated Jeremy Corbyn "moronic" and "morons", explaining that the injection of such moderately colourful language into an otherwise grey and tepid debate had been a positive stimulant, whether you agreed with the comments or not. But they warned that with two more months to go until a leader is finally chosen and no difference between them apart from Corbyn's age, beard and occasional use of the word "austerity", it promised to be a long, hot summer.
