Once, Tarquin Binnett warned us about the damage idle female bishops are doing to all our bathrooms, summoning divine flood-vengeance upon our Englishmen's castles, and leaving the floors wet and untidy.
But what about the terrible gay warming crisis?
You know, there is a very serious problem with gay warming these days. It weren't the same when I were growing up.
I mean, there was always an occasional poof or fairy, but we never paid no mind to those types.
Well, as long as they minded their own business and weren't committing rampant sodomy in the streets in front of all the fair maidens and innocent widows who might have been wrongly led to believe that they were shivering in their empty beds because of so-called fuel poverty...
And not because of gangs of peculiarly disconcerting queens and man-poppets marauding the streets, seeking whom they may devour.
Gay warming, you know.
Yes, the second law of thermodynamics disproves Darwinism, Islam, liberal pseudo-Christian clerics, and even Keynesian economics.
So how much more so the myth of "fuel poverty."
Nonsense! It's just semantics.
That's all they've got... just semantics.
Using mere words to try to refute those of us who have a bit of sound British common sense. Mere words, I tell you!
You know, I was once informing and educating my compatriots on the local radio concerning the problems with our local agricultural industry, and the necessity to stop foreign bacon from other foreign countries like Denmark, Syrian Arabia, Greenland and Antarctica from flooding our indigenous local corner shops.
I then remarked what a pity, what a crying shame it was, after all, that we have had such a terrible, awful problem with all these "foreign pork-carriers" landing in our airports, and infiltrating our blessed country, and causing disruption and harming our morals.
So, needless to say, they immediately they started going off topic (you know how they always do that, purely in order to be provocative and create a commotion, and make problems where there wasn't a problem in the first place!)
Yes, purely and merely and solely as an emotive diversion tactic, they called me a... a "homophobe!"
Me, a homophobe! Tarquin Binnett! Nonsense!
Why, I'm not afraid of gay people or whatever the PC term is nowadays.
Well, I do carry a classic Roundhead musket from King William's Great Hundred Year's War of the Roses, because I won't be told otherwise by uneducated, unelected bureaucrats in the House of Commons, who but little understand or comprehend the great history of our nation.
I tell you, I'm an Englishman, as much as any tinpot Wat Tyler from the ivory tower in non-Oxbridge universities, or some of those silly foreign academies where people study high-faluting fashionable nonsense and impractical soft subjects...
You know, like environmentalism, and the like, or pro-women emancipatory techniques, or whatever the PC term is for that one nowadays, or how to stop good honest Englishmen from sitting and enjoying a mellow, homely British ale from Normandy or something.
Aye, I'm an Englishman, and I am not afraid of anyone. The law of King John is on my side!
You know, the real law, before all that politically correct Magna Carta nonsense. I believe that was where the rot set in.
Not that all that silly tomfoolery from that King Henry the Conqueror helped matters, but we were clearly well on the slide centuries before that.
Yes, King such-and-such of Normandy county crumbled before the pressure of all those extremist left-wing lobbyists. So before long, there were hoodlums of all kinds making trouble.
Now, hearken to my words, young man! You cannot have a monarchy, and have so-called individual liberty too. Your liberty ends where I say so; we can't have anarchist hoodlums running around saying "Daddy, I'm a woman and I'm proud," or "Papa, I just don't really feel like sitting in my closet today."
Well, the Russians tried that, and we all know where that ended up. They also were mere individualists, in all but name.
I say, Napoleon was a Frenchman, he was obviously an individualist, a "libertine" as the American call those little hooligans. Those cheeky young scamps, the French, they wantonly and idly defied the Archbishop of Canterbury, their true benefactor and educator...
And all of a sudden, we are overrun with flamboyantly jackbooted continental stormtroopers and flouncing baguette-wavers singing "Heil Hitler" and "Vive la liberty," and replacing our fine Irish stout with undrinkable nonsense from across the seas.
Vive la "liberty?" Nonsense! Simply ludicrous! Mere semantics!
(Sorry, on a point of principle, I am pronouncing the last word of that politically correct nonsense jargon phrase in English. "Liberty." Not a great word, but perhaps has its uses, as far as it goes).
Well, I do believe it's originally in French, or some other fashionable European dialect from the continent, somewhere out there.
Well, in my day, you learn Cicero and Herodotus, or you didn't learn nothing at all. We didn't see none of those arrogant Spaniards and Polish without none of their silly double and triple negatives.
And as for the ludicrous tendency of the tedium-inducing-est-Teutonic-pedants for idly stringing words together purely to show off...
No. I've had enough. British people have all had enough. I simply can't abide how the bigoted, ignorant elites are always claiming to speak for everyone else.
Yes, all this pompous, tendentiously arrogant speaking for others is utterly unacceptable. There is absolutely no one who will accept this. We all hate this, and anyone who disagrees clearly doesn't know their own interests.
Oh... sorry, my lad, must dash. I have a meeting with the missus... well... as it were.
Don't let me hold you back, Tarquin. You're looking bit flustered, like you don't want anyone to see where you're going. Take your time.
No, no... nonsense! It's the other side of the... well, it's far away. A good league or two, no doubt.
Get the bus, maybe?
No, I'm got a simply wonderful old Mitsubishi that will take me most of the way. They are simply splendid cars. You know, those Japanese fellows...
Well, I know what you're thinking.
Yes, say what you like about what they did to our proud, indigenous British sushi and diamond mining industries a few years back, but they make immaculate cars.
Why indeed, what a pity you don't see more of these stylish vehicles around these days. It weren't like that in the old days.
Yes... in that case, I guess we should recognise the benefits of anti-protectionism and a free market after all, then?
Ohhh! Nonsense! Why, HOW DARE YOU insinuate that I would support such a decadent, self-centred, individualist, crony-continental, money-grubbing ideology! You ought to be ashamed of yourself, my lad! Why, if you were any shorter and slightly less beardy, you would feel the sharp end of my hand, I tell you that now!
I'm genuinely at a loss how to end this one.