Due to the current debacle at Calais, France wherein thousands of deadbeats are attempting to get to the UK in order to reach Sports Direct outlets to replenish their trainers and sportswear, lacklustre Prime Minister, Do-nothing-Dave has had to hastily summon yet another 'Cobblers' meeting.
This was attended by the usual pack of overpaid, don't-have-a-clue ministers, civil servants, police, (lack of) intelligence officers and others appropriate to whatever they are looking into.
Those in attendance were treated to a surprise mid-morning break by Home Secretary, Theresa May who stripped down to her agent provocateur underwear and did an erotic dance on the war room table with a cucumber, culminating with her whipping her bra off as a grand finale and throwing at the ceiling fan.
This impromptu stress busting idea had been swiftly put to her by George Osborne in order to raise some necessary funds for any potential idea that might eventuate from this latest meeting. Sure enough, after the twenty minute set, Tess had accrued a grand total of £214.99 and a handful of Euros, most of which had been thrust into her knickers by the adoring audience while she was gyrating.
Meanwhile Eric Pickles had to be escorted from the room for ejaculating over the floor and making an unholy mess everywhere whilst attempting to retrieve the used cucumber!
After much debate, tea, biscuits and another set from Tess, this time fully nude and juggling two cumquats and a bunch of grapes which in turn raised a further £20.30p a plan was finally drawn up. The latter involves erecting a 9ft high barrier around the Channel Tunnel entrance to stop migrant deadbeats boarding trains.
After a swift call to B&Q and some expert 'bartering' from an officer from M16, plus detailed estimates from the B&Q planning team, the Government has managed to purchase enough wire to cover the job and still have some over for Dave's new extended rabbit hutch.
Meanwhile, Homebase have reported much activity on their website and a huge increase in orders for wire cutters from a French customer based in Calais.