Written by D P Whitehead

Friday, 19 September 2014

Despite carrying letters of safe conduct and passage to England, former Scottish first minister Alex Salmond was handed over to English soldiers at Robroyston near Glasgow late Friday night and has been transported to London on the orders of Queen Elizabeth.

It is expected he will be taken to Westminster Hall, where he will be tried and found guilty of treason.

Following his trial, it is expected that Salmond will be taken to the Tower of London, then stripped naked and dragged through the city behind a Range Rover.

He will then be hung, drawn and quartered - but will be released while still alive, emasculated, eviscerated and his bowels burnt before him, beheaded, then cut into four parts.

His preserved head (dipped in tar) will be placed on a pike atop London Bridge.

His limbs are expected to be displayed, separately, in Newcastle upon Tyne, Berwick-upon-Tweed, Stirling, Perth and Blackpool.

A similar fate is also expected for 'Wee' Jimmie Krankie, Sean Connery and freaky looking singing clones, The Proclaimers.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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