In an unprecedented attack on the state of the Scottish coastline, Prince Philip told a meeting of Cartographers that Prince Charles had drawn up plans to Polyfill the crevices and uneven edges around the Scottish Coastline so that it would look neat and tidy to prospective new "rulers".
Prince Philip, a long standing fan of "Homes Under The Hammer" has apparently long been impressed by the D.I.Y skills of property auction buyers who smooth down cracks in ceilings and walls in a matter of weeks. We must work hard to make Scotland attractive to new purchasers and one way to do it would be to smooth all of the rough edges from the coastline, fill in the Caledonian Canal and sand the whole lot down with a belt sanding machine.
There are also thousands of "Avacado" coloured and shell pattern bathroom suites to rip out. He told our reporter this morning "I am slowly building up a Portfolio of "buy to rent" palaces and intend to carry out renovations using spare footmen. I have a particular flair for criticising messes around the British Isles and it is clear that someone needs to work hard to increase the Estate Agents' low valuations of Scotland.