Many theories exist about the origins of Vladimir Putin, or as he is known in Russian high society circles, Vlad the impaler. However, our intrepid weeki leeks reporter has uncovered some surprising hitherto unknown facts about the diminutive Russian leader.
The youngest of five brothers, all rugged masculine men over six feet tall, then Vladimir arrived. His mother was appaauled at what she had brought forth, the runt of the litter, so to speak. So much so that she mistakenly threw out the afterbirth and kept the baby. deeply ashamed of the little creature, she brought him up as a girl, dressing him in his cousin Tcherina's cast of clothes given by her sister. It wasn't until he was nine that he found out he was in fact a boy, when a suspicious schoolteacher caught him pissing standing up in the girls lavatory.
The poor little child suffered a nervous breakdown whilst he made the painful transition to boyhood, mocked inccessantly by his peers. Little did they know that he would eventually get his own back after he joined the KGB. As soon as he had the power of high rank he sent them all off to the Gulag along with his poor old mother, never to be seen again.
The impaler nickname came later when he developed a prodigious sexual appetite, impaling everything in sight. He had his beady eye on a young male gymnast named Alexi, who seemed awkward about his gender, so the boy was sent off for a sex change to the clinic of the prestigious Dr Herman H Clitterman, of rebore and sleeve infamy. Returning to Russia as Alina she went on to become a world famous gymnast and a very good friend of Vlad the impaler.
Beware the second coming. Is Vlad a budding Hitler, Stalin, Mau or merely a poor coppy of that idiotic North Korean leader with insatiable delusions of grandeur.
