Crowe and Campbell to create world's most violent child

Written by Andy Woolfoot

Wednesday, 4 October 2006

image for Crowe and Campbell to create world's most violent child
Artist's rendition of Crowe/Campbell offspring

RUSSELL Crowe and Naomi Campbell are set to have a baby in a bid to create the world's most violent human being.
Supermodel Naomi, 33, and Master and Commander star Russell, got to be nearly 50 now hasn't he, have been dating for hours and, according to a close friend, the couple are desperate to bring an unreasonable dangerous drunk aggressive child into the world.
Naomi, who recently had to hire a second personal assistant to beat up the first one, told our source: "Russell's been an absolute dark angel to me, fetching my steel-toe capped slippers so I can kick passing maids in hotel rooms, bringing me young boys whose footballs landed into my garden so I can slap their legs. We went out for a meal the other night and within minutes of our Hors d'Houvres arriving he had hospitalised two kitchen staff and thrown a photographer into a fountain."
She added: "For my birthday he even brought me a bag of half bricks for me to lob at passing cars from my balcony. It's the real thing this time."
No one answered the door when we forced a terrified work-experience kid to knock on the door of Ms Campbell's Chelsea pad yesterday for comment.
Experts reckon the lovechild of mobile-phone tossing Campbell and straight-bloke Crowe will combine the patience of that blonde one from big brother, the fighting skills of Mike Tyson, the ruthlessness of Genghis Khan and the aggressiveness of a Glaswegian at closing time.
Dr Ronald Saladspoon, Professor of fighting, scrapping and pagga at Durham University, said: "It really is bad news if these individuals are seriously considering having a baby. A child this violent could well be uncontrollable if not raised in the strictest imaginable environment.
"Personally, I would want to see the child locked up in a big cage all its life. It's too much of chance to take. Either that or get someone to go at her for a bit with a coathanger."
The unborn-child is being touted as a future Ultimate Fighting Champion and director Quentin Tarantino has already signed up the foetus to star in his next film Slay Jay.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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