Cruz: The Tabloid Favourite

Funny story written by Trayla Trash

Saturday, 10 September 2005

image for Cruz: The Tabloid Favourite
Ignorance is bliss: The Beckhams in happier times

The King and Queen of kitsch, David and Victoria Beckham, have been further rocked by allegations intimating their new baby in another shocking scandal.

Sources say their son Cruz is in fact a state-of-the-art android, developed for a leading tabloid in an underground lair beneath London's Fleet Street.

It is alleged the bogus baby was planted in Posh's womb during a routine tummy tuck operation last summer.

The groundbreaking invention then grew inside her, as a normal baby would, and was born to the unsuspecting parents a couple in February.

However, instead of bringing great joy to the household, the tiny terror has acted as the eyes and ears of Britain's gutter press.

Fitted with the latest ultrasonic bugging device - ISpy - he proved the perfect vessel for newshounds in search of the latest celebrity scoop.

Cruz - lab name Cruz Missile 1423 - was designed and created by Professor Marjorie Hicks on behalf of The News of the World.

And its success was in evidence this week when the paper broke another story that has rocked the very foundations of the Beckham marriage.

Through the Cruz cam - cunningly disgused as haunting dark baby eyes - they were able to see the pair fighting like cat and dog over Beckham's apparent inability to "keep it zipped" when faced with pretty young nannies.

Transcripts of the conversations were then uploaded from Cruz' s central memory bank to an undisclosed PC at the paper's London HQ.

The Beckhams launched a court bid to prevent the NoTW from publishing recent revelations - allegedly from their former nanny Abbie Gibson, 27.

But the gossip had in fact come from Cruz, whose prime position in the nursery opposite the couple's bedroom makes him the ideal scoop snoop.

Since then, thousands of readers have had the chance to see for themselves that life is far from a bowl of cherries in Casa Beckham.

Speaking from her secret bunker below the bustling streets of the capital, Professor Hicks told Spoof:

"I believe the invention of Cruz Missile 1423 is in the best interests of the public, many of whom are apparently keen to find out what goes on behind closed doors with the Beckhams. My initial aim was to implant the android inside Catherine Zeta Jones so I could see Michael Douglas in the shower but life's just not fair."

Professor Hicks has since been able to retire on the substantial backhander she received from the NoTW for creating Cruz. She is currently engaged in another "pet" project but refused to say if it had anything to do with Britney Spears' pregnancy.

David and Victoria, however, remain blissfully unaware that the source of their misery is masquerading as the third in line to the Beckham throne.

Recent communications from Cruz suggest that something big is in the pipeline, possibly involving Beckham snr, a feather duster and a nanny with a penchant for chocolate sauce.

However, efforts to restore links with the baby's central control system are currently ongoing. Experts believe the cause of the interference is a stray Farley's Rusk, but say communications should be restored shortly.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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