Klum Klaims "Nothing Sexy about Pregnancy"

Written by wadenelson

Wednesday, 24 August 2005

Hey!

The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

Oslo -- Supermodel Heidi Klum, appearing on the cover of Vitalis magazine, claimed there was "Nothing sexy about pregnancy." Appearing in a baby-doll sewn from white mosquito netting, her engorged bosom jutting provocatively and a string bikini bottom barely covering her Klum says "You eat like a Sumo, throw half of it back up, and wonder if nine months will ever come to an end." The only possible position for sex is doggy-style, and quite frankly, a supermodel's goal is to remain on top as long as she can, so that's out of the question."

Klum joins Demi Moore, Denise richards and a host of other models and actresses who have shared more imagery and details about their pregnancies than the public might prefer. The former Victoria's Secret model says "There's nothing secret anymore. I let it all hang out -- and over -- on that cover. But it's safer for my career than having the papparazzi chasing me around all day and snapping a shot that's makes me look fat, and bow-legged. Right now my ass looks like the front end of a Peterbilt."

Married in Mexico to a seal, the couple is expecting their second walrus in January. But Heidi "looks like she could lose that little otter" any minute, said paparazzi photographer Nye Khan. "I've had to switch from a standard 35mm lens to a 28mm wide-angle just to keep it all in frame."

With a midwife and three resident nannies standing by to deliver Heidi's spawn into this world, Heidi will never, ever having to change a diaper herself. Motherhood is a "whole different ballgame" when you're rich and beautiful, says Klum's agent. "We made money on her good looks when she was heroin thin, now we're making money on her curves. It's all good."

Reportedly, SOME men ARE attracted to women "in that way," according to psychologist Dan Rather. "Not that anything's wrong with that," he added, quoting comedian Jerry Seinfeld. "Let's face it," said Dave Letterman. "Heidi's trying to milk this maternity thing for all it's worth. Otherwise she could have done the cover shoot in sweats."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics



Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Subscribe…
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more