Tom Cruise Charged With Cannibalism

Written by The rat

Wednesday, 19 April 2006

image for Tom Cruise Charged With Cannibalism
Cruise announcing on TV "I'm going to eat her placenta"

The acting career of Tom Cruise appeared to take a turn for the worse after the birth of his and Katie Holmes's new baby girl.

His much publicised ploy of gaining notoriety by announcing that he intended to eat his wife's placenta went horribly wrong when, by mistake, in his exhilaration at becoming a father for the third time, he mistook his new born for the afterbirth and ate the baby instead.

In the charged atmosphere of the delivery theatre and before the new born had been hosed off, Mr Cruise made a grab for what he thought was the correct item and started munching on the baby's leg.

He appeared to be somewhat surprised at how tender and delicious the mouthful was and continued eating until he had completely devoured the entire new born.

The attending midwives,doctors and nurses were aghast at the spectacle as they'd not seen such savagery since the premiere of "Alien" in 1979. When they recovered from their shock, hospital security officers were summoned and Mr. Cruise was led away in handcuffs and leg irons.

43 year old Cruise is now languishing in a jail cell understood to be charged, for the first time in the history of the civilised world with, "Cannibalism by a father of his new born baby".

He will be appearing before a Los Angeles court tomorrow morning. In the meantime, his lawyer said, "It was a mistake anyone could have made. I expect to have him out on bail very soon".

It was a matter of some discussion as to whether his acting career would have been over if he'd eaten his wife's placenta as, with the exceptions of Madonna and Arnold Schwarzenegger, most of Hollywood's leading ladies said, "He'd better not expect any screen kisses from me, I'd rather kiss a rabid dog".

Nevertheless, his quest for notoriety has evidently succeeded beyond his wildest expectations as when he is released from jail, many film producers are said to have an interest in him and Steven Spielberg has hinted that he is very enthusiastic about signing him up to appear alongside Condoleeza Rice in his new blockbuster vampire movie, "The Blood Countess".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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