Canadian Seal Clubbers Adrift

Funny story written by Don Pitts

Saturday, 1 October 2005

image for Canadian Seal Clubbers Adrift
Canadian seal hunters prepare for a day on the ice

In a crises threatening the already strained relations of the United States, Canada and the United Nations, stranded Canadian baby seal clubbers remained adrift on a floating ice sheet for a fifth straight day. Humanitarian efforts to leave them out there are causing international tensions to rise sharply.

It is a time honored tradition for Canadian manly men. Early spring brings out the annual festival of cultured gentlemen walking on the frozen ocean clubbing baby seals to death for their white fur while their mothers watch helplessly. The prize is a white furry pelt for some asshole to wear.

But this year it was different, as global warming caused a large ice sheet to break off, sending the clubbers adrift, heading toward Greenland, a country which immediately mobilized its coast guard to prevent the Canadians from seeking refuge on their shores. Advanced Greenlandish technology is capable of keeping ice drifts outside of their 200 mile limit, and if necessary, melt them out there.

The Canadian parliament met in special session to arrange a rescue, or not, and debate has been intense. The conservatives, fearing a loss of constituency, favor a rescue. The liberals offered the "Community Improvement Act" designed to block a rescue. Families of the seal clubbers appear split 50-50.

The Bush administration favors rescue, as their intelligence (sic) indicates these are the only Canadians who like them. Any American rescue plan is strongly opposed by environmental groups, noting that ice sheets break off all the time, that this is a natural phenomenon, and is just nature at work.

There is reported confusion within the White House, still in denial about global warming, and pondering the logistics of all their cold weather gear already being shipped off to Alaskan tundra oil fields. There is also the fear that if they admit the ice sheets are breaking off prematurely, then they must admit global warming, which might actually cause the world to take note of industrialized environmental terrorism, the Bush power base.

With the administration in disarray and missing the UN Security Council meeting, the council passed a resolution to use troops if necessary to prevent the rescue. The prospect of war between Canada and UN troops from, say, Chad, has reportedly caused widespread desertion within the Canadian ranks, many of them fleeing to, say, Chad. A white house source told The Spoof that "while Bush supports a culture of life, he notes Canada offered no help when he wanted to kill a bunch of towel heads, and besides, no oil is involved."

The seal clubbers have been offered feeding tubes by the surging Christian group Jesus Hates Baby Animals Too. That's all, just the tubes. They expect God to provide the food. God, reportedly laughing his ass off over this latest result of climate change, was not available for comment, or food.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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