SOCA probes Abramovich

Funny story written by queen mudder

Wednesday, 20 September 2006

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SOCA or soccer? Abramovich cornered

London - (Associated Mess): The UK's Serious and Organised Crimes Agency (SOCA) is investigating corruption allegations centred on Chelsea Football Club's Roman Abramovich after media reports that he is the swindling impostor son of beleagured
Department of Vultures, Mediocrity and Sport Secretary Tessa Jowl and has paid 'bungs' to Blair supporters currently under investigation in the honours for loans fiasco that saw Lord Levy arrested in July.

A television documentary at the weekend alleged that this changeling billionaire Russian stole vast oil and gas reserves after arranging the kidnap and illegal detention of a senior NATO intelligence official who holds damning evidence of his criminal career.

And that the move was masterminded by UK Prime Monster Tony Blair with full co-operation from Russia's President Vladimir Sputum, during the last days of Bill Clinton's watch when the George W Bush White House 2000 election bandwagon was rolling.

A complex paper trail has been uncovered by police officers investigating Blair's role in ennobling mediocre House of Lords-wannabees who made 'loans' to the Labour Party and failed to declare them when suddenly - and delightedly- receiving their notifications of official New Year's Honours proposals.

A senior Met source has commented that of the fifty dodgy loan providers under investigation, forty nine had previously received 'bungs' from Abramovich-sourced channels linked to hydro-carbon assets that he purloined in 1998 onwards.

The Jowl connection appears to be something of a no-brainer however, as official law enforcement agencies around the world have long held extensive files on this Mafia gangster's wife whose shyster lawyer husband David 'Dark Satanic' Mills is due to be extradited to Italy next month to face charges of corruption, extortion, embezzlement, conspiracy and membership of the notorious JP2 Lodge which assassinated 'God's Banker' Roberto Calvi.

But this latest twist in the honours for loans fiasco saga can only make Blair squirm as he faces the Labour Party masses at the weekend at the start of the annual five day Convention in Manchester.

UK cops stated in late July that they would be seeking to interview Blair - potentially under caution - after busting his bagman and blind trust manager Lord Levy for his role in the chain of corruption under investigation.

Reports all stated that the cops were taking their time and would probably come knocking on No 10's door after the Blairs' family holiday in Barbados.

Now as the Labour Party Conference is a mere few days away, the Prime Monster has been reported as shitting bricks as media sources hint that the fateful knock on the door from Her Majesty's Constabulary of the Law may come on the day of his annual address to the Party Faithful.

Meanwhile, Abramovich is reported to have trebled the number of henchmen and mercenary UK journos on his payroll as UK cops continue probing the paper trail of David Mills's alleged £600,000 freebie gift from the Italian Mafia in the summer of 1999 and Cayman Islands accounts run by Abramovich from whence the Mills bung came from.

More developments are expected in the week.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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