Ratzinger's fugitive hitman Caldarelli busted

Funny story written by queen mudder

Saturday, 9 September 2006

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London - (AssoCIAted Mess): Police investigating the fraud, embezzlement and extortion paper trail of Culture Secretary Tessa Jowl's shyster-lawyer husband David 'Dark Satanic' Mills have arrested a fugitive Sicilian mobster Raffaele Caldarelli - a top Mafia gangster known to be in the pay of Pope Joseph Ratzinger.

In a dawn raid armed police from the Very Serious and Organised Crime Squad swooped on a Hackney, North London footwear outlet that had been under surveillance by the FBI following the arrest and 2005 conviction of the notorious Shoe Bomber Richard Reed.

The operation is the culmination of many months' of intelligence gathering by UK police and Interpol who had put Caldarelli under their microscope after his speicalist shoe shop was found to have been importing fake top-branded trainers manufactured from plastique explosive materiel sourced to Pyongyang, North Korea and subsequently exported to Taleban retail outlets in Prime Monster Tony Blair's constituency in Trimdon Colliery.

Caldarelli, 35, was reported to have been 'gobsmacked' at the arrest and to have put up a fierce struggle resulting in multiple juries to his face, chest and wallet.

A police statement today confirmed that detectives involved in the arrest have found bank statements and credit cards linked to the private Pontifical accounts of Joseph Ratzinger at Colombia's Bogota main branch of the Riggs Bank.

The arrest may be linked to July's sudden and inexplicable departure of the Papal Pro-Nuncio Joaquin Navarro-Valls who left London under a cloud after a dozen altar boys from Westminster Cathedral agreed to testify about his cruel, unusual and depraved fetishes involving under-age racoons and ferrets,and other endangered wildlife species.

There has been no official comment from the Vatican regarding this latest UK police arrest as the Holy Father is currently en-route to his Holy Fatherland in Bavaria where he expects to spend six nostalgic but peaceful days reminiscing over his Hitler Youth formative years while preparing the first volume of his forthcoming memoirs.

Back in London's top security Belmarsh Jail, Caldarelli is said to be livid as hell at the sudden and unexpected arrest and to have ordered an immediate probe by his brief into what has happened to all the bent cops in the Metropolitan Police who have been the recipient of his largesse during his last ten years on the run.

One UK press source has hinted that some of these allegedly bent officers and retired detectives are named on the defendants' list in a fraud, conspiracy and illegal telephone surveillance trial at the Old Bailey later in the year where wannabee banking heir Matthew Mellon is awaiting prosecution for blackmail, extortion andrelated offences for which he and seventeen others were arrested in January this year.

Cherry Booth QC is staying absolutely mum.....

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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