Snowmen spotted fighting in Newcastle

Funny story written by IainB

Monday, 14 January 2013

image for Snowmen spotted fighting in Newcastle
The remains of defeated snowmen lay scattered around Gosforth park

Tyneside police have issued a warning to Newcastle residents to stay in doors with news that Snowmen have taken to the streets en masse and have been seen in the process of hurling sticks at one another.

"With the heavy snowfall in the area," said Detective Inspector Jennifer Darme, "there is plenty of raw material for the snowmen to make other snowmen."

It is believed that the snowmen are fighting for territory and snow angels, the female of the species. Their pitched battles have been seen raging as far north as Gosforth and as far south as Byker, the area of Newcastle epitomised by the 1990s children's drama, Byker Grove.

Kylie Minogue, a snowman expert from Adelaide, Australia, has been visiting Newcastle to observe the battles for herself.

"It is very interesting," she said. "We've known for sometime that once the snowmen have sufficient territory, they will use the snow in the area to attract snow angels, which they will use to make further snowmen, and snow angels. Newcastle has had a lot of snow drop recently, and this has attracted snowmen from as far away as Gateshead."

Several snowmen have been pictured badly injured, with rocks smashed into their heads, or makeshift spears sticking from their bodies as the battles intensify.

"Eventually," said Minogue, "there will be one snowman left standing in any one area, and that's when the snow angels move in. It's a touching process; but one that has never been captured on film. We hope to get footage of snowman procreation during this snowy period."

With the snow only expected to last in the area for another few days local residents are hopeful that they'll be able to get out and about again soon.

"Oh ay," said Nick Grimshaw, a resident of Gosforth. "I remember a couple of years ago when we had an awful lotta snow fall, the snowmen battles then would keep yer up at night. Terrible it were. I hope that does nae happen this year. It's hard tae get tae the shops when there's snowballs flying left right and centre over yer head. And I need tae get tae the shops tae feed my stereotypical alcohol dependency problem."

DI Jenn Darme has warned people only to travel if strictly necessary, although she has yet to see anybody travel for no reason whatsoever.

"I've no idea why we say that," she said. "It's probably a by-law."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more