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Celebrity Irish gardener Diarmuid Gavin called in to tend Cheryl Cole's arse

In a development that has rocked the world of showbusiness, it was discovered at the weekend that Cheryl Cole's arse has a severe infestation of greenfly. The star, who for some strange reason had her rather beautiful posterior covered in the tat...

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WWE owner Vince McMahon's proposals for Changes in Football

Rumours have circulated over the last week that Professional Wrestling company owner Vince McMahon has been enquiring about the possibility of buying English football team Newcastle United FC. However, the WWE Chairman has made a series of proposals about how to change the game to make it connect more with the professional wrestling audience. 1.) Newcastle United will rename themselves "The...

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Snowmen spotted fighting in Newcastle

Tyneside police have issued a warning to Newcastle residents to stay in doors with news that Snowmen have taken to the streets en masse and have been seen in the process of hurling sticks at one another. "With the heavy snowfall in the area," said...

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Frock and Roll printing error causes misery in Newcastle

Bon Jovi's UK tour hit a snag when it rolled into Newcastle last week after the posters for the tour contained a slight spelling error. Instead of A Night Of Rock and Roll with Bon Jovi the posters actually read A Night of Frock and Roll with Bon...

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Russian tourist drowns in brown ale

A Russian tourist has drowned on his first day in Northumberland. Ilav Anuvva was visiting one of Newcastle's famous breweries, when he fell into a huge vat of brown ale. According to some bystanders, Mr Annuva had been leaning over, trying to...

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'Urine power' tests at UWE in Bristol are successful

Research into producing electricity from urine has been carried out by scientists at the University of the West of England (UWE) in Bristol. It is claimed the publication of a research paper into the viability of urine as a fuel for Microbial Fuel...

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Joey Barton sparks George Orwell ruck on Twitter

Scouse philosopher Joey Barton has the moral support of fellow troublemaker George Orwell in his war of words with Newcastle Football Club. George Orwell's dictum that "In times of universal deceit, telling the truth will be a revolutionary act"...

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Letters To The Editor From Ludicrous Stereotypes Pt XXVI: The British Isles

Dear Sir, now I am reading your magazine quite a lot lately. "Now there's lovely, for you!", I says to my husband, Dyffyddydd Ystnyllbrggyddfyd, "now there's a magazine, now, look you, isn't it then?" "Aye", he says to me, putting down his copy of the Yn y llyvyr hwnn of Sir John Price of Brecon, d'you see, he does, and he says "Oh, Glywdwyddyn Ystnyllbrggyddfyd" - which is my own name and t...

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Newcastle City Council Considers City Name Change

After some months debate, the City Council of Newcastle have decided to change the city's name. Liberal councillors felt that the word "castle" is too militaristic and wished to change it to something more gentle. Proposed alternative names inclu...

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John Martin: Heaven & Hell. Laing Art Gallery, Newcastle. Review

John Martin's epic canvasses were extremely popular in the early-to-mid 19th Century, with their apocalyptic visions - like The Destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. He was even described as the greatest painter of his day by one commentator. This is the first major exhibition of his work in more than 30 years - an enlarged version arrives at Tate Britain in the Autumn. We sent Proserpine Gains...

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Newcastle Univesity Researchers Have Found Rudolph Safe and Well Inside a Brain

"A close-up image of a blood vessel in the brain has amazed scientists with its likeness to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." When stories reached researchers at the world renowned 'Newcastle University', that Rudolph was missing, they gathered in...

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Newcastle is not the New Bethlehem say Religious Leaders

Newcastle has been hailed as an imposter amid claims that Christ will be reborn within the city over the festive period. Religious leaders worldwide have condemned the city which is without a virgin or three wise men. The ladies of Newcastle...

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Newcastle Univesity Researchers Have Found Rudolph Safe and Well Inside a Brain

"A close-up image of a blood vessel in the brain has amazed scientists with its likeness to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. When stories reached researchers at the world renowned 'Newcastle University', that Rudolph was missing, they gathered in t...

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Sending Coats to Newcastle

The weather in Britain continues to plumb new depths and cause the bottom to fall out of thermometers. With temperatures plummeting to minus twenty, setting records as it goes, the people of Newcastle, effectively referred to as Geordies, have procla...

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Alcoholics Anonymous close their Newcastle branch

Alcoholics Anonymous have decided to close their Newcastle branch after nobody came to any meetings for the thirtieth month on the run. "We thought Newcastle would be a good place to set up an AA branch," said Alan Collic. "We'd heard there was a...

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Newcastle City Council, successfully rewarded with 'Jobsworth Achievements Citation'.

Newcastle City Council Offices: It is well known amongst those who fully understand, that 'jobsworth' Council Officers are not enthusiastic about sorting out illegal travellers' sites that are dotted around the neighbourhood. Now let's see Newc...

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Biffa Bacon's Fatha Arrested

The Police have arrested and then released hundreds of Geordie "hard men", including Biffa Bacon's Fatha, in the hunt for Ronald Stoat. Police looking for Stoat faced an almost impossible task because he looks exactly like hundreds of other Geordi...

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Geordieland Nationalists Demand Independence

In the far North Of England near Hadrian's wall,in the land of the Geordie's known as Geordieland a new political party has sprung up The Geordieland Nationalist Party. Most Geordie's have been voting Labour for years, but many are now considering an...

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Referendum To Ban And Remove Trump

Gosh, since Ireland was successful with their referendum to remove the ban on abortion, can the U.S. have a referendum to ban and remove Trump?

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