London memorial service for Opus Dei banker

Funny story written by queen mudder

Monday, 24 July 2006

image for London memorial service for Opus Dei banker
Opus Dei funerary ceremony for suicided bankers

London - (Associated Mess): A full complement of the House of Mountbatten is expected to attend this week's memorial service at St Adolf's-up-the-Creek parish church for the suicided Opus Dei banker Gianmario Roveraro who chainsawed himself to death in Italy last week after failing to raise the cash to spring jailed holocaust denier David Irving out of a Viennese slammer.

Roveraro's body was discovered beneath a bridge 30km from Gorgonzola and the local coroner has noted that the deceased had been chopped into pieces "with the surgical precision of a deeply depressed suicidal maniac".

Members of the Mountbatten clan including Charles, Pretender to the Throne, are reported to be cutting short their glamorous boating tour of the Scottish Western Isles to attend the ceremony, which is being conducted by Pope Ratzinger's official envoy to the Dead Sea Mr Gerry Adams.

The requiem rite will mirror the ceremony last used for 'God's Banker' Roberto Calvi whose suicided remains were also found under a bridge following a tiff with fellow Opus Dei bank robbers responsible for the 1982 collapse of the Vatican Bank.

Downing Street will be represented at the ceremony by the Prime Monster's wife Cherry Bush QC who is said to be 'inconsolable' since the news of Roveraro's demise broke last week and her bank manager refused to top up her overdraft facilities on Austrian-held bank accounts normally reserved for credit card transactions accruing on the family's holiday trips in the summer.

The House of Lords will be sending their representative Lord Levy to the ceremony, always assuming he will not be detained on other matters relating by inspectors of the Metropolitan Police's Serious and Organised Crime Squad, which interviewed him last week on charges of running a racket with the PM in the sale of honours.

Meanwhile, a spokesman for Opus Dei's sister organisation the UK's Hellfire Club confirmed that Robert Maxwell's sons Kevin and Ian would be representing them at the service, just as they had done at Calvi's memorial back in '82.

And the Home Office has confirmed that the Yorkshire Ripper has asked his solicitor for compassionate leave to attend the requiem so that a truly representative cross-section of UK organised crime can pay its last respects to the man who took the blame in Gorgonzola last week.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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