Cardinal probed in massive VAT fraud

Funny story written by queen mudder

Wednesday, 19 July 2006

image for Cardinal probed in massive VAT fraud
UK's top VAT-dodger Cormac Murphy O'Connor

London - (AssoCIAted Mess): Following yesterday's sudden shock resignation of the Archbishop of Westminster's right-hand PR guru Oz-Tin Ivory, UK cops have confirmed that they are now probing his boss Cormac Murphy O'Connor who is believed to be the mastermind in a complex and lengthy VAT fraud involving the siphoning off of billions of pounds of exchequer revenue from a mobile phones scam originating in Hong Kong.

Fraud squad honchos were maintaining a discreet silence today following widespread allegations that O'Connor has headed a swindlers' cartel for the last ten years which spent stolen £££££££££££millions of IRA-accumulated funds on high-tech communications equipment which it then re-sold back to IRA consumer outlets in Blair's Private/Public Partnership Programmes, pocketing the seventeen and a half per cent VAT and burying it in the Vatican Bank's offshore accounts in Taiwan.

Serious Fraud specialists have commented that the swindled billions were then distributed by O'Connor's aparatchicks to his Good Samaritan outreach workers in the so-called Axis of Evil member states, and eventually found their way into the coffers of North Korean President Kim Jong ill.

Further reports in the US have suggested that the CIA has tracked these transactions since 1996 and has found a paper-trail linking O'Connor's swindle to North Korean financing of Hizbollah, Hamas, the Dutch Brotherly Love, Freedom and Diversity Party and Cherie Bush's latest lifystyle guru-cum good taste adviser Martha Greene.

Other financial links show that the billions of VAT fraud swindled from the UK exchequer paid for the research and construction of the North Korean Tiepoodog long-range missiles, a prototype of which was tested on July 4th this year over the western Japanese Ocean.

O'Connor has always maintained a somewhat sangfroid butter-wouldn't-melt-in-his-arse type of public profile, officially limiting himself to spreading his own brand of inimicable superstition and theological humbug, cultivated after mastering magna cum laude in Hypocrisy and Religious Twaddle at the Vatican Divinity and Devil Worship Directorate in Rome back in the mid-1960s.

The news of his involvement in global-scale fraud, money-laundering, arms-running, terror-funding and ballistic-missile testing may, therefore, come as something of a surprise to the unsuspecting public that regularly tip the odd pound coin into one of his Sunday morning collection plates in the UK.

But the dismissal of his cocky little rent-boy Ivory following an investigation by the Metropolitan Police's Vice Squad this month has confirmed what UK spooks have known for a long time - that it's virtually time for Bell, Book and Candle for O'Conor as the Serious and Organised Crime Squad home in on his latest little scam.

More news is expected later in the week when the results of a lengthy CIA investigation into O'Connor's dealings with Pope Ratzinger's Colombian cocaine cartel are due to be completed, ahead of a planned personal warm welcome from the UK cops in the event of His Holiness's attempt at an official State Visit to the United Kingdom next year.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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