Irish Republican Army Mortally Wounded By Change In Electoral Law

Written by Sidney Bollocks

Saturday, 28 July 2012

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Adopt a terrorist. Much more fun than an Aardvark.

Ireland's peak terrorist organisation, the Irish Republican Army, has been severely damaged by recent changes in the country's electoral laws.

The Irish parliament, this week, passed an amendment to electoral laws, removing state funding from political parties whose membership is not at least 30% female. The IRA is the slightly more vociferous branch of one of Ireland's popular political parties, Sinn Féin.

"We're fecked, absolutely fecked," said Seamus O'Flaherty, a former IRA Belfast Brigade commander and current Minister For Culture in the Northern Ireland Assembly. "We can never hope to fill 30% of the IRA's ranks with women. Women just don't want to pursue this type of career these days. They prefer careers in medicine, teaching, business and the like. They also want secure employment, which will not be subject to the vagaries of things like peace treaties and shifts in government policy."

Mr O'Flaherty went on to say, "We will have to rethink how we generate that portion of our revenue. The drugs, vice and extortion rackets are always a solid earner, but the gap left by the loss of state funding will be hard to fill. It's not like our mate Gaddafi is around to help out any more. This is going to lead to us having to buy cheap and nasty, knocked off Chinese copies of AK47s and Semtex. Somebody is going to get hurt."

As we were going to press, a senior Sinn Féin spokesman told us, "There is still one last avenue we can pursue. I understand we will be applying for a bailout from the International Monetary Fund."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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