The Church of England is undergoing a name change and will henceforth be known as Architectural Tours Ltd. The alteration is taking place to reflect the changing role of the Church in the life of the nation.
A spokesman from St Paul's Cathedral said that the rebranding is thanks, in no small part, to the Occupy London protestors who camped outside the cathedral last winter. 'We realised then,' said The Very Reverend Jonas Iscarot, Dean of St Paul's and soon to be Head of Marketing with Architectural Tours Ltd., 'that the primary duty of the cathedral is providing tours of this magnificent building. We must ensure that any tourist with the money to pay can enjoy the sight of Christopher Wren's masterpiece.'
When asked what Jesus would have thought, Rev Jonas replied, ' Now we know from Occupy London what people who live in tents, wearing sandals and spouting unrealistic ideals are like, we have had to rethink the whole Jesus thing somewhat. We know from the Gospels that Jesus was anti-profit; he vandalised retail stalls and seemed to think there was something scandalous about tax collectors' expenses. This is not the kind of behaviour we wish to ally ourselves with in the modern age.'
The Rev Jonas did, however, quell traditionalists' fears that the church would lose sight of its roots altogether: 'Look forward to the launch of our great new book series, "New Jesus". New Jesus will offer all the advantages of the old, but without the revolutionary overtones.' The first instalment of New Jesus will be released at Christmas and the brand of oil that Mary Magdalene pours over Jesus' feet will be named, for the first time ever, following a lucrative deal with one of Britain's leading pharmaceutical companies.
The new move will also affect local churches with vicars rebranded Church Managers. Services will be conducted as usual, except the collection plate will be produced prior to the start of services and entrance fee will be set at a minimum of £5.
The Church of England is confident that its historical link with British politics will be safeguarded and even greatly improved by its move to concentrate on business rather than religion.
