In a shock discovery made by an undercover reporter from the 'Daily Muckspreader', it has been revealed that one of the UK's leading life insurance providers have been fleecing their customers.
The Athieva Life Insurance company stands accused of using customer payments to fund a new immortality serum.
In a remarkable attempt to boost profits, Athieva have been instructing their collection agents to sneakily slip a dose of the serum into unwitting customers cups of ovaltine. The serum was created by Professor Esther Hestor from the University of Leicester in a secret deal with the disgraced company.
We understand that around 2000 elderly customers were the first to be targeted. Some of these customers began complaining of feeling too well considerong how old they are and reported their concerns to doctors. Their doctors launched an investigation but were unable to reach a firm conclusion so they reported their suspicions to the police, who did nothing because there was nothing in it for them.
Eventually the 'Daily Muckspreader' heard about the potentially explosive story and sent John Hatchet, an investigative reporter, to find out what was going on. Mr Hatchet told us, "I managed to get a job with Athieva and was told I would be shadowing one of their collection agents, or 'Angels of Theft', as we now call them. I noticed that the agent was slipping something into the customers drinks. It wasn't until I finished my training that I found out what it was. The agent gave me a batch and told me to put it in all my customers drinks. At this point I legged it and began further investigations. After a couple of weeks I had enough muck on Athieva so we ran the story."
We managed to speak to former Athieva CEO, Margo Ingoffthedeepend, who is currently on the run. We asked how she thought she could get away with it. She said, "We didn't think we would be rumbled for a few years until our customers were reaching ridiculous ages. At that point we'd of had enough money to do a runner to the Moon. That was the plan. I thought it was foolproof, it turns out it wasn't. Thankfully we made enough money to get plastic surgery, obtain fake documents and disappear. Nobody will find us, never."
We pointed out to the former CEO that we had no trouble getting her mobile phone number. She muttered, "bugger", and then the line went dead.
Chairman of Standard Death, Graham Reaper, made his feelings known about his competitors behaviour. He said, "It's clearly a shocking breach of ethics.. My company prefer to use tried and tested methods when it comes to ripping off our customers. We always wait till the customer is dead, and then swindle their families. It's much easier to get away with it when the families are stricken with grief."
Minister for Death, Phil D. Coffin, claims there is nothing he can do about the situation. He uttered, "There is nothing that I, or the police, can do about it because we don't care about anyone but ourselves. To be honest, I'm quite envious of Athieva's brilliant entrepeneurship. It really was an ingenious plan. Shame it failed. We need more companies who will do anything to make a quick quid in order to make rich people even richer."
It is also rumoured that our tyrannical leader, the Queen, is looking to acquire the "immortality serum" so she can continue her reign of terror forever. She was not available for comment as she was out in a golden carriage hunting the poor. Allegedly.
